I’m struggling.

I used to know my beliefs, and I was sure about them.  You know what I mean?  How you’re so sure of everything when you’re younger?  There is no gray; everything is black and white.  It’s either this way or it’s that way.  No middle ground.  I was so sure that God had my back, and I leaned on Him.  I was so sure that everything I read in the Bible was accurate, and exactly God’s Word.  Now, I’m questioning everything.  I feel really bad about that.  But I can’t help it.  (If you’re easily offended, please don’t read anymore.  I don’t mean to cause any offense but this is how I’m feeling at this moment in time.)

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

My Christian friends say that God has a plan for each of us.  If that’s true, why would His plan include people who are starving, wars, and crime?  I know, I know.  Free Will.  I get that.  People do what they want, the Devil makes them do it, etc.  My major struggle right now is folks who say they follow Christ, who are “Christians” (which really means “Christ Like”) and yet, they don’t want to help their fellow man.  WWJD, yo?  He would HELP!  He would give healthcare, and food, and lend his shoulder, or a helping hand. That’s what Jesus did.

When I see people who claim to be Christian and they turn a blind eye to the homeless and downtrodden, it makes me doubt Christianity as a whole.  I know I shouldn’t judge others, “the Bible tells me so” (sing that part like you’re in Sunday school…) and that I shouldn’t throw stones from my glass house, blah blah blah.  BUT, seeing how these people act, I’m not sure they remember what Jesus taught us.  Even if you don’t believe that Jesus is the Son of God, he was still a teacher.  He was a person who was truly good hearted.  He was not racist, holier than thou (even though He really was), worried about who had more money.  He was not homophobic.  He didn’t try to get one over on anyone, and He certainly never tried to keep up with the Joneses.  He was always ethical.  He loved everyone, even his enemies.

I guess I am struggling, too because I am in a spot in my life where I’m trying to figure out my plan…God’s plan for me.  Does He have a plan for me?  I’m so small in the grand scheme of things, why would God worry about me?  Why wouldn’t He be more concerned with the wars, and people who are hungry?  Was His plan for me to be Jamie’s mom, and worry about him every second of every day?  Was His plan for me to be stressed beyond stressed?  Because that’s where I am.  I am a great big ball of stress.  I’m questioning, and I’ve never been in this position before.  I’m human.  I have questions about why science doesn’t always correlate with what the Bible tells us is true.  As an analytical person, I have trouble making these two things mesh in my mind.  I’m a loyal person so feeling like this is akin to cheating on my religion.  And I can’t fathom that.  I never questioned my faith before and this has me feeling adrift.

I am struggling because I feel like you can’t be Christian if you are hoarding money, and shutting down the freaking government because you don’t want to fund a law that will help millions of people (while you’re still getting a pay check, thank you very much), especially because that law would help people who are like my son.  Those people that can’t help themselves, and the ones that need that healthcare coverage so that they can get the treatments they need.  These folks didn’t ask to be born with/develop their healthcare needs.  They were the lucky ones.  It’s part of God’s plan, right?  It’s God’s plan that my son has his issues and our family struggles to pay for his services.  It’s God’s plan that my so-called Christian friends would want to defund the LAW (you know, the one that the Supreme Court upheld as Constitutional) that would help us pay for what Jamie needs.  It’s God’s plan that the very same people that Jesus would have wanted to heal would go without healthcare.  I get that.  Not very Christ-Like, is it?  Jesus healed a leper, for crying out loud.  A leper!  Why wouldn’t he want my son and countless others like him healed.  For some of us, this healthcare law will be the best thing to happen to us.  Our children/loved ones will not be denied for having pre-existing conditions.  They will be able to stay on our health plans years longer.  They will never meet a lifetime cap on their coverage.  Some of us have $1 million caps.  That can be met in one hospital stay.  What if it were your family?  Doesn’t that make it worth funding the Affordable Care Act?

It’s God’s plan that Americans should be able to carry guns and blow anyone away that dares to step foot onto their property.  Yep, that’s what Jesus was all about.  Shooting people because they trespassed.  We should definitely kill people before they have a chance to kill us and our family members.  You’re either with us or against us.  It’s cool, bro.  You wanting to blow a giant hole in someone is totally acceptable.  Your love for fire arms is way better than your love for your fellow man.  Don’t be lame and love thy neighbor, or turn the other cheek.  Only someone who wants to be a good person would do that.

I have lots of friends who are Christian, Atheist, Buddhist, etc.  They are all good people.  We just don’t always agree on our religion.  And that’s okay.  Friends don’t have to agree on everything.  That’s the way life is.

I just can’t reconcile your love for guns, not helping others, finger pointing, and defunding a law that would help millions of Americans with your Christian faith.  And I’m not sure I want to be a part of that faith.  I have had such trouble with going to church because when I look around, all I see is hypocrisy.  And that’s not who Jesus was.

About Brandy

Love the Life You Live - Personal growth through Grace and kindness. Wife. Mom. Blogger. Business Owner. I stand for LOVE.

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