Things I’ve Learned As a Mother – Updated

• Oatmeal and peanut butter are hard to clean up. They both stick to everything they touch.
• “No” doesn’t always mean “no” to the child who hears it.
• Selective hearing is a real thing.
• Kids say exactly what they are thinking, especially when you don’t want them to.
• Potty training happens when your child is ready; don’t stress over it. Like my pediatrician said, kids hardly ever start Kindergarten not potty trained.  Unless your child has special needs, as my oldest.  He is now 10 and still potty training…the pediatrician was WRONG on this count.
• All the dreams you have for your kids won’t come true. But maybe their dreams will.
• Sex takes a back burner- as do you and your partner. The kids needs will come before your own.  You’ll get your rhythm back…eventually.  Like, 10 years from now.
• Nothing is just mine anymore. Everything is fair game as far as the husband and kids are concerned.
• Privacy? What’s that? I can’t even remember.  Forget taking a bath or using the toilet in private.
• Time with your partner is essential to maintaining your relationship. Even if it’s 5 minutes in the morning over a cup of coffee before the kids get up.  Unless you like sleeping in until the last possible minute, then you can get a quick peck on the lips before he rushes out the door for work.  Consider that your couple time.
• It’s us against them. The husband and I are a united front against the aliens that have invaded our house…our children.  Of course, this doesn’t always apply.  Sometimes, it’s the kids and hubster agains me: “Mom, can we PLEASE jump off of the 5th stair onto a pile of pillows?  We’ll be safe!”
• Follow-through is a must. Don’t threaten that you’ll leave the store if you’re not prepared to do just that in the face of your child’s tantrum…unless you really need that Chunky Monkey.  Then stay and let your child scream while you are getting your afternoon fix of ice cream.
• Baby gates are the shiz!  This applies for dogs, small children, and other critters.
• It is possible to limit junk food and eat healthy. Start when they are babies. My kids think one m&m is a big deal.  (This was YEARS ago.  Now they cry for Oreos.  Thanks, Aunt Kim, for introducing the goodness of Oreos to the kids.  Oreos are the “gateway food” to other junk food.)
• My MIL gave me the best advice: State things to your child, do not ask: ”It’s time to brush your teeth.” not, “Do you want to brush your teeth?” Don’t give them the option of saying no. (This one is still true.)
• As much as you hate that purple dinosaur, or green hand puppet on tv, your kid will love it. And you will be at their concert or movie.
• The parent who works outside the home is always the MVP. I think it has to do with absence making the heart grow fonder, or some crap like that.  Now I think it has more to do with the kids’ abilities to sniff out a newbie who may be easily cajoled into doing something they shouldn’t.
• Other people will offer you parenting advice whether you want it or not. Ignore it, or use what you like. Sometimes, you do get some real pearls of wisdom (like what I’m offering here.)
• Once you have kids, they will decide who your friends are. You better hope you’ve done a good job with your kid because your friends are usually the parents of their friends…pray they picked good ones. (Thankfully, my kids have chosen great friends for me!)
• Grocery shopping is easier and less expensive when done alone. Use it as your “me time” as the husband of my friend told her.  (I’m not sure those people are still married.)
• Other parents will judge your parenting style and your kids’ behavior. They will always think they are better parents.  I know I do.
• Let your boys play with dolls and your girls with trucks. It won’t hurt them in the least, contrary to the way a lot of men think, my father included.  (This still holds true.)
• You think you’ll always remember how old your kid was when he took his first step or said his first word. You won’t. Especially if you have more than one child. Write it down in a baby book or journal of some sort.
• Poop is hard to clean off textured walls. This is self-explanatory.
• When a child says they have to go to the bathroom, take them right away.  Don’t put it off so that you can finish typing a paragraph in your blog because the accident they have will take longer to clean up than taking them to the bathroom.
• And the most important one: No one will ever be as cute as your own child.

What are some of the things you thought were true, until you had kids?